Stardate: 5.19.09

She spoke about him as if they had been apart for years when in reality you could see both the break and her current revelation on the same page of a calendar. I took it in stride with the rest of the conversation. Showing any bit of amazement in regards to her forced callousness would make her feel even more empowered. I feign the unfazed (a strategy I often employ) to show some kind of ‘mature’ composure, proof that nothing fazes me. But I’m torn between intrigue and nausea as she spills. She catalogues his short comings and misdeeds, it’s a crack in her bluff and I keep a straight face, taking slow drags of a cigarette and listening. I think of how I deal with these types of things when they happen to me and I wonder how others read my confessions. I wonder who this guy really is, I wonder if all girls speak this way after separation and I think about those I’ve left behind.

Five months ago I was in love with a girl. I walked about with a gaze that didn’t wander and a step that failed to falter. How is it now that I am so far removed from such elation. When I realized that I had been running down a path with no finish I knew that the walk back would be lonely, I knew that I would think of her the entire way. You never want to hear someone say the obvious, time heals, fish in the sea. You know it’s true, it’s just the farthest thing from comfort. So I kept tired pearls to myself and let their truth bounce off every fork tongued word that worked its way past her glass.

This wine is a conduit, for her thoughts mass exodus from brain to mouth and for my ever increasing resentment to such a show of bitterness. Would it be so hard to let your guard down for a moment and say simply that separation affects us all? That after everything you’re not so different, your A priori is stronger than your desire to appear unscathed. Say all of this or nothing at all. Surely a close friend is an outlet, and such a vent is aimed wildly at catharsis. But I am no such relation, no such friend. I’m just a person who’s sang the same song. Who has moved back and forth from love to loathe enough times to know how this all began, I just don’t know yet how it ends.